Troll-y, Troll-y, Troll-y

So I am sitting at work the other day and I get this email from my boyfriend, Doug:

Doug: Have you ever seen someone so freaking ugly that you lose all self control, filter, and knowledge of your where-a-bouts and scream uncontrollably? I am banned from Wal-mart...

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This was sent to my mom and me, so you know this prompted some questions. Here is how the rest of that conversation went:

Mom: OMG, I have to know what happened!?!? And more importantly - did you take a picture of it?

Me: You are lying!!! You got banned from Wal-mart?

Doug: No picture, seriously I didn’t want to break my phone…

I was walking down an isle, minding my own business, and this midget, leper, albino, redheaded troll (sorry, I am unable to accurately portray this thing) almost runs into me… Stunned and breathless, I back up… It then smiles at me, showing me the only fang inside its mouth and follows me… several expletives, dry heaving, and uncontrollable outburst later, I am asked to leave… though they did admit they were too afraid to ask it to leave… I am not a hateful person and typically don’t tell people to their face how ugly they are (I only talk about it behind their back…)… But, damn… words can’t even describe this thing and to have it follow/stalk you is just just just... shit!

Me: This happened??? For real??? I am dying here!! You were actually asked to leave Wal-mart? That takes some work.

Doug: Yes, they made me leave Wal-Mart… You think I made this shit up??? I don’t have that f’d up of an imagination… you know how you find yourself starring at fugly people? You do not want to stare at this thing, you’ll wish you hadn’t looked the first time…

Me: OMG!!! I am on a conference call and I am snorting I am laughing so hard!!! I had to mute my line. This has got to be the best story ever!!!!

Doug: Someone had to have brought that thing in on a leash or something… If so, where the hell was the owner??? Why did they let it wonder around on its own???

Mom: Shut up!! LMAO!! You were not asked to leave Wal-Mart!

Doug: Yes, yes I was… and even escorted (but I think that is because they wanted to get away from it too)… They told me to leave and I told them great, make sure that thing doesn’t follow me! The guy asking me to leave even talked about how ugly she was, but I’m “not supposed to repeat it”.

Me: You didn’t tell me you were escorted when I talked to you!! That makes this even more funny!!!

Doug: He just walked with me and we were talking… it’s not like he grabbed me or anything…

Me: All the same, you were walked out of the store!

Doug: He even stuttered when he saw it… that right there ought to tell you something!

Me: Do you think they were mentally retarded?

Doug: Are you kidding me??? I didn’t quiz it for a better understanding of its mental capacity…

Me: You can generally tell if someone is retarded by their actions.

Doug: Have you not read any of my emails???? YES, IT HAD TO BE RETARDED!!! IT WAS SO RETARDED IT WAS CLINICALLY DEAD!

Mom: NO. You did NOT curse out a retarded person! NO.

What if she was lost? Thought you looked friendly, helpful? Thought you looked like her daddy?

Doug: Oh that’s messed up, I may be ugly, but if I had a kid that looked like that I would drop it off at wal-mart… Ha, curiosity extinguished!

I wasn’t cursing at them, I was cursing with them!

Mom: Yep, there you go. You figured out what it was doing there.
And she didn't get escorted out, right? So it sounds like you weren't cursing WITH her. LMAO. Oh, I have GOT to come and hear this in person. I'm bringing Jon. Bwah-ha-ha-ha!!!!!

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I don't care who you are, this shit is funny! I laughed so hard I was snorting...all while on a conference call. It was a fun day...